best man speech intro jokes

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The 50 Best Jokes For Your Best Man Speech

As the best man, you’re tasked with giving the toast—maybe the most famous one of the evening. For the big speech, it’s important to have some jokes scattered throughout. The couple gets to be sentimental. Her father gets to be sad and nostalgic. You need to bring the funny like it’s showtime at the Apollo. That’s no easy task, either. Luckily, there are dozens of jokes that have already been written that you can plug your buddy’s name into and carry on. We compiled some of our favorites for you here. Good luck!

Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only kidding. We went over the speech 40 minutes ago in the hall.

It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

We’ve reached the moment in the evening where we get to watch the groom figet and worry in anticipation. Yes, everyone, I’ve been asked by the staff to give him the bill.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologize for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple Jameson I’m going to down as soon as this is over.

I just heard there was a lucrative pool on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 40 minutes, so settle in…

Before I begin my speech, there’s just one order of business I’ve been asked to take care of. *Hold up pair of trousers with padlock on them* These are Jack’s Chastity Pants. I know he’s given keys out to various ladies over the years, but since he is now a married man, he’d like to get those copies back, so Jill is the only one with access. *Wait for the keys you strategically handed out to wedding guests to be brought up*

My name is Peter and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but shut up – I know your secrets.

Just a couple of rules before we begin. If you have a mobile phone – leave it switched on, entertain yourselves. And if anyone texts you any good jokes, kindly pass them up to the front.”

I’ve been told I won’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it’s only hard for the first minute.

Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

Sally is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Harry swooped in before she could find one.

I think the main reason we’ve lasted as friends all these years is because you’re geographically convenient…and you had a trampoline.

Jack is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because you forgot about it until late last night at the bar!

Jack was in a pub when he proposed. No, really, it was actually very romantic – he got up on one knee.

It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet.

Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.

So I’m the best man, although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

I can only say in my defense that Mike and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”

I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …”

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out.

I do have to say though how lucky you are Dave, you’re leaving with a beautiful wife whom you love. And you, Miranda, you get to go home with such a nice new dress and beautiful bouquet of flowers, it’s great.

Jill, you are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise you I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.

Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Linda, I expect you had a similar experience when Paul asked you to be his wife.

I spoke to both Sally and Paul before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee percolator!

Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

When I saw Linda heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

Before proposing, Paul went to ask Linda’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing Paul took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!

I recognize my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.

If you can’t hear me in the back, let the silence in the front assure you that you’re not really missing out on anything.

A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.

I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Jack and Jill’s wedding. Jack made me compete for this honor today, but I was able to beat Mark the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

I found the speech length really difficult to settle on. At one point, it ran to almost 70 minutes, so I cut it down to a five-minute speech but I just felt like too many important things were being left out. So I came to a compromise – I’m going to read the five-minute speech. Then straight afterwards, I’ll do 70-minute one and you guys can tell me which speech I should use.

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now rising to the top of his industry based solely on his intelligence, grit and willpower? A man whose charisma knows no bounds and who has already distinguished himself amongst his peers? Because I’m trying to write my Tinder profile and I’m having trouble summarizing myself.

When I sat down to write this speech I Googled “perfect best man speech”, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m gonna wing it.

I admit, I’m extremely nervous right now. As the people sitting near to me at the table can testify, it really is possible to smell fear.”

I must admit, I’m not used to speaking in public. Until now I thought a toastmaster was a kitchen appliance.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honor but you don’t really want to do it!

I’ve been anxious about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out. Ten minutes ago, I had to ask a complete stranger to burp me.

Dave was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

What’s the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted.”

Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.

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30 Brilliant Opening Lines for Your Best Mans Speech

Author: Hollie Bond

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Looking for the perfect best man speech opening lines to delight wedding guests? We’ve rounded up 30 of the funniest opening lines for every style of best man speech here.

Staring at a blank piece of paper with no idea of how to start your best man speech ? It’s a situation that pretty much every best man before you has been in before, so you’re certainly not alone. The beginning of a speech is always the hardest bit to get right, but once you’ve nailed that first sentence and won over the wedding guests it’s all plain sailing from there.

It’s important to spend some time and effort thinking about your audience, the happy couple, and the sort of icebreaker that will work best for them and you. Remember to play to your strengths. If you’re not a natural comedian then steer clear of too many best man speech jokes and opt for something charming, self-deprecating, or heartfelt instead.

Whatever type of best man wedding speech you’re hoping to deliver for your best friend, there’s an icebreaker to suit. We’ve compiled 30 of our favorites below that work at all types of weddings. Choose one of these best man speech openers to get your speech started in style and then read our ultimate guide to writing a best man speech to ensure the rest of your speech is as brilliant as that opening sentence.

Best Man Speech Openers

1. Ladies and gentlemen, before I start just some quick housekeeping. Firstly, if you’ve got your mobile phone on you please make sure to keep it switched ON during the speech, for your own entertainment. Secondly, if you see any good jokes in your scrolling, be sure to forward them on to me.

2. I’d like to offer a toast to the bride and groom [*Pull a piece of toast out your pocket and give it to them*]

3. Hi everyone, I’m (your name). I’m here to tell you about (groom’s name) and how truly special, talented, good looking and… sorry mate, I’m struggling to read your handwriting here.

4. I’d like to start by congratulating the groom on his excellent taste in best men. He’s really outdone himself this time.

5. The bride and groom have asked that I don’t share any embarrassing stories, stag do pranks or crude jokes in my best man’s speech… so that’s it from me! Thanks for listening.

6. A wedding is such an emotional day for everyone. Even the cake is in tiers.

7. For those of you who can’t hear me at the back, you should be reassured by the complete silence in the front row here that you’re really not missing much.

8. To start this speech, I searched online for ‘the perfect best man speech’, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m just going to wing it.

9. If there’s anyone here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married (groom’s name).

10. All those among you who really know the bride will know that she is a wonderful person who deserves a good husband. Thank god (groom’s name) married her before she found one.

11. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, good looking, and a great man. But enough about me…!

12. Those of you that know me, know that I’m not big on making speeches [*sit down*]

13. My only wish for the bride and groom is that each day of their marriage is better than the previous so that they can look back on today, their wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of their lives.

14. (Groom’s name) knows his wife so well. When I asked him what her favourite flower was, he replied “self-raising”.

15. Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.

16. I just heard there was a competitive sweepstake on how long the best man speech should last. I put my money on 45 minutes, so make yourselves comfortable…

17. I’ve been told I can’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast in this best man speech. Apparently, I’m supposed to sing the groom’s praises and talk about all his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I don’t like lying.

18. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the years I’ve been friends with the groom, he has finally admitted that I am in fact the best man.

19. I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his wedding day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing about (groom’s name). Instead I’ll refer only to the kind and funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.

20. A best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much, people start freaking out.

21. A wise man once told me that a best man speech is like a miniskirt. It should be short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the goods.

22. Ladies and gentlemen before I start the venue owner has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

23. I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the groom’s dance lessons worked out.

24. (Groom’s name) had the honour of being my best man. He spent months writing a perfect, tender and charming speech. Everyone agreed it was funny and beautiful. Unfortunately I’m a married man, so I haven’t had the time to do all that.

25. I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be best man at (bride and grooms’ names) wedding. (Groom’s name) made me compete for this honour today, but I was able to beat the barman over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

26. I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out.

27. I didn’t really want to do this speech, but I thought it might be the only chance I’ll get to have a meal and some drinks paid for by (groom’s name).

28. I always knew the groom’s speech would be hard to follow. In fact, I couldn’t understand a word of it.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right, I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.

30. I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So please could everyone raise a glass to the happy couple!

Now you’ve chosen your opening line you’ll want to include some other best man speech jokes throughout your speech to keep your guests entertained. Read our guide to hilarious best man speech jokes here .

Hollie Bond

Hollie is a lifestyle journalist with over ten years’ experience working in the wedding industry as Lifestyle Editor for You & Your Wedding magazine Also a Regional Editor for Muddy Stilettos, Hollie has written for Square Meal magazine, Family History Monthly, BBC History magazine and Homes & Antiques. In her spare time you can find Hollie in a dance studio practising ballet…

Learn more about Hollie Bond

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Top Best Man Speech Openers For Every Style

• 14th Apr, 2020

Jump to the good bits

You’re honoured to have been asked to be the best man but you’ve got no idea how to start your speech. We get it…your best man speech opener is the icebreaker your audience have all been waiting for. They’re tired, they want food and they want you to sit down quickly. So this is your chance to get them on side, have some fun and create a special/hilarious wedding speech moment that the bride and groom will laugh at, love and remember.

Keep our top tips in mind for your speech intro, length and tone and then head onto the jokes / opening lines / icebreakers!

• Don’t focus on you.
• Keep it under 5 minutes (3 is better).
• Tell a short anecdote about the couple that celebrates (and maybe ribs) their relationship.
• And finally, choose 1 or 2 good jokes that showcase your humour and the tone of the day.

So, without further ado…we give you our top 40 best man speech intros, jokes and openers.

Best Man Speech Openers

• Step 1: Inhale helium balloon. Step 2: Give speech.
• “History really does have a way of repeating itself. X years ago, (bride’s name)’s parents were sending her off to bed with a dummy. And today they’re doing it all over again.”
• “(Bride’s name), you’re a truly special woman and you deserve a wonderful husband. And I’m not going to rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.”
• “Fornication…..(cough) sorry, excuse me. For an occasion….such as this…”
• “Just some quick housekeeping, ladies and gentleman. Firstly, if you’ve got your mobile phone on you…please make sure to keep it switched ON during the speech, for your own entertainment. And secondly, if you see any good jokes in your scrolling, be sure to forward them on to me.”
• “I’d like to offer a toast to the bride and groom…(pull out a piece of toast from coat pocket and give it to them).”
• “Those of you that know me, know that I’m not big on making speeches”…(Sit down)
• “I have been (groom’s name)’s mate since Wednesday this week. I was the successful applicant to an ad he put online asking to pose as his friend. Apparently I got the position by default having been the only one to apply.”
• “Some of you have asked me how I’ll cope now that I’m flying solo socially without my best mate…Honestly? I’m thrilled. Now I’ll finally be the best looking man in the room.”
• If you are the groom’s twin: “I’m not the groom but I do appreciate that at least 4 people so far have congratulated me. Also, if you gave me an envelope, I’m keeping it.”
• For the Princess Bride fans out there: “Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us together today…”
• “The bride and groom have requested that I don’t share any embarrassing stories, stag do pranks or crude jokes…so that’s it from me! Thanks for your attention.”
• “Now, ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something beautiful. Something so truly magical that words can hardly express. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/4 course meal.”
• If you’re following someone else’s speech: “Ditto.”
• “(Bride’s name) please put your hand flat on the table. (Groom’s name) please place your hand on top of hers. Now, enjoy this moment (groom’s name), because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.”
• “To the bride and groom. My only wish for you is that each day of your marriage is better than the previous, so that you can look back on today, your wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of your life.”
• “For those of you who can’t hear me at the back, you should be reassured by the complete silence in the front row here. You’re not missing much.”
• “Most of you know the bride well and that she is a loving and caring person. She deserved to find someone truly special to marry. I just thank God (groom’s name) married her before she found one.”
• “A wedding is such an emotional day for everyone. Even the cake is in tiers.”
• “When (groom’s name) first told me he was thinking about popping the big question, I have to admit my heart started racing. Then I realised he meant (bride’s name) and I just put those dreams back in the box.”
• “(Groom’s name) said that If I do a good job here I can be the best man at his next wedding.”
• “I did a quick poll before the reception today to see who was on the bride or groom’s side. And I’m happy to report that the wedding crashers are seated on tables 2 and 11. Security.”
• For 2nd weddings only: “Welcome back.”
• “Now, I know I can trust you all that any personal details I tell you about (groom’s name) today won’t go any further than the 150 guests in this room, your families, friends, workmates, casual acquaintances and anyone you choose to share them with on social media and the local radio call in show.”
• “I’d like to start by congratulating (groom’s name) on his excellent taste in best men. He’s truly outdone himself this time.”
• For Lord of The Rings (LOTR) fans: “Looking out I see a lot of familiar faces, and a lot of faces that are new to me. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
• “When (groom’s name) asked me to be his best man, the first thing I did was Google ‘the perfect best man speech’, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m just going to wing it.”
• “I did a lot of research before writing this speech and the best advice I came across was to open with something that’s relevant to everyone here. So, everyone…your cars have all been stolen.”
• “(Groom’s name) knows his wife so well. When I asked him what her favourite flower was, he instantly replied ‘self-raising’.”
• “Could I ask everyone to stand for a quick toast? There are some really important people who, without them, none of this here today would have any meaning…To the bartenders.”
• “A wise man once told me that a best man speech is like a miniskirt. It should be short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the goods.”
• “Hi everyone, I’m (your name). I’m here to tell you about (groom’s name) and how truly special, talented, good looking and…sorry mate, I can’t read your handwriting here.”
• “Hi everyone, my name is (your name) and I’m (groom’s name)’s best man. That’s right. It took him (X) years but he has FINALLY admitted I’m the best.”
• “Apparently, it’s tradition in a best man’s speech to sing the groom’s praises and talk up his better qualities. But sorry, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.”
• “(Groom’s name) had the honour of being my best man. He took months crafting a perfect, tender and charming speech. It made the whole room laughing and crying in equal measure. Everyone agreed it was beautiful. Unfortunately I’m a married man, so I haven’t had the time to do all that.”
• “I heard people were taking bets on the length of the best man speech. Well, I bet on myself for 45 minutes and I am sure as hell getting that money back. So, strap yourselves in…we’ll be here for a while.”
• “I once read the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So the time has come! Please raise a glass to the happy couple!”
• “The beautiful meal you’re about to be served was charged per head. So, on the special couple’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”
• “Before I start my speech, I think it would be appropriate if we all stood for a moment’s silence…To the memory of the 2,000 potatoes, 200 salmon, countless roses and baby’s breath flowers that selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding possible.”
• “I would like to congratulate (groom’s name) on his impeccable taste in choosing such a beautiful wife. And (bride’s name), well done on saying ‘I do’ to my mate (groom’s name), because, let’s face it – that must have been hard.”

If you’ve given a truly epic best man speech that has gone down in wedding history, send us your speech text ! We’ll add any pearlers to the list or feature it on The Stag’s Balls blog.

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Image credit: Pxhere

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30 Funny Opening Lines for Wedding Speeches

Handy one-liners to make the guests lol.

If you've read our post on how to make a great best man speech , you'll know that we recommend starting with a joke , and here, we're sharing 30 foolproof examples of funny opening lines for wedding speeches! The beauty of this list is that it works for any wedding speech, whether you're a groom , bride, best man , bridesmaid , groomsman, bridesman, groomsmaid, father of the bride, father of the groom, mother of the bride, mother of the groom, granny or grandad, or just a close pal with a knack for public speaking!

Boasting everything from eye roll-worthy classics to offbeat gags, our round-up of funny opening lines for wedding speeches is sure to have something to suit your personal style, and many of them can be customised to pack an even bigger punch on the day. Kick off with one of these gems, and you'll not only put the audience at ease, you'll set yourself up for a terrific wedding speech!

Note: [Name] can indicate yourself, the bride/groom, the couple as a whole, or another member of the bridal party!

1. “Gosh, what an emotional day it’s been. Even the cake is in tiers!”

2. “Hi everyone! I’m [Name] and it’s time for me to give the speech I frantically scribbled down 15 minutes ago!”

3. "The couple have requested that I don't share any embarrassing stories... so that's it from me! Thanks for listening!"

4. "[Name], I love you so much, and I really hope you'll feel the same about me after you hear my speech."

5. "I just want to start by congratulating [previous speaker's Name] on their wonderful speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I couldn't follow a word of it."

6. "The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn't refuse again."

7. "Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history - it's the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!"

8. "[Name] and I share the same sense of humour, so if you don't like my jokes, you can blame them!"

9. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and fortuitous and wonderful that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/photo booth/[Name] wearing a tie ."

10. "Where do I start with [Name]? They're kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming... [directed at them] sorry, I'm having trouble reading your writing, you'll have to tell me the rest later."

11. "I think we can all agree that it's been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech."

12. "Loyal. Kind. Honest. Generous... That's enough about me, I'm here to talk about [Name]!"

13. "I'd like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I'm single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa."

14. "A few months ago, [Name] called me up and asked, 'What are your feelings on marriage?' I had to tell them that, while I was very flattered, I wasn't ready to settle down just yet."

15. "Can everyone hear me OK? If you can't hear me in the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing anything."

16. "Hello everyone! I'm [Name]. I'm sure you all know me as (Name's best friend/sister/mum/dad), but if you don't, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!"

17. "Before I begin, I must explain that, this morning, [Name] asked me to remove anything resembling innuendo from my speech. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to go through it again, but if I come across anything risqué, I'll whip it out immediately."

18. "[Name] knows that I'm a bit nervous about this speech, and they gave me some great advice. They said 'Don't try to be too charming, witty or intellectual... just be yourself!'"

19. "All of us gathered together in this room, we've got something really important in common - none of us have got a clue what I'm going to say next!"

20. "I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that's relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes - all of your cars have been stolen."

21. "I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I've attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent."

22. "I'd like to start by congratulating [Name] on their excellent taste... in speakers."

23. "Before we start, can everybody do me a favour and get up off their seats? Now can everyone take one step backward, please? Now can everyone move one step to the right? And now can everyone move one step left? Thank you. Someone told me that the key to giving a good speech was to move people, but I think they must have been having me on, because this is going terribly!"

24. "I'm so happy to be overseeing the only five minutes of today that [bride or groom's Name] didn't plan. Only joking, they went over my speech with me at the bar half an hour ago. [Pulls extra page out of pocket] But I did manage to hide one page!"

25. Guys, before I start, just some housekeeping notes, the venue has asked that you don't stand on any of the chairs and tables for my standing ovation."

26 . I sincerely hope that each day of [Insert names] marriage is better than the the one before, the only thing is that also means they'll look back on today, their wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of their lives.

27. I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. You'll be glad to hear, that last night I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours, bawling my eyes out.

28. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom/bride drink alone, could I?

29. Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME’S] football team for [PARTNER] " Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him/her to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight ."

30. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 250 chickens, and the many, many carnations, roses and wedding coordinators who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.

Loved these opening lines for wedding speeches? We also have a handy checklist of people you need to remember to thank !

Image credits

Marc lawson photography, via one fab day, see more in:.

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255 Hilarious Best Man Speech Jokes to Make Every Guest Laugh

• 9 months ago

Welcome to the ultimate collection of hilarious best man speech jokes!

If you’ve been given the honor of being the best man at your friend’s wedding, then you know that one of the most important tasks is delivering a memorable and entertaining speech.

In this post, we have curated the funniest and most rib-tickling jokes for the best man speech occasion for you to choose from.

Pick your favorite one from the different categories given below, and let the fun begin!

Table of Contents

Unique Best Man Speech Jokes

Stand out from the rest with our unique best man speech jokes. Make your speech unforgettable with jokes that nobody else will have – your moment to shine.

My only wish for you is that each day of your marriage is better than the previous, so that you can look back on today, your wedding day, and say that it was the worst day of your life.” For those of you who don’t know me, I’m the groom’s brother, and for those of you who do know me… I apologize. It’s been an emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers. Excellent. With Dad-level puns like these it should be a room full of baby showers in no time. “Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I apologise in advance for not being a public speaker. If you see me looking down at this piece of paper again and again, it’s not actually my notes, it’s a picture of the massive drink I’m going to have as soon as this is over.” I actually started my best man’s speech with: “Looking out I see a lot of familiar faces, and a lot of faces that are new to me. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.” Bride and Groom were huge LOTR fans. It was perfect. Not the best man but the father of one of the grooms: ‘Well, a gay wedding. What next!’ guests hold their breath The answer, of course, is a honeymoon! ‘Sorry everyone, this speech will be a little bit off the cuff. I figured I would have more time to prepare. [husband and wife] started dating in 1998, and it took them 7 years to get engaged. It took another 6 for the wedding to happen, so I figured I would have at least a few months between the ceremony and the reception to figure this thing out.’ It gives a nice bit of background on the couple, is about as safe as you can get, and should get a few laughs. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, and a great man. But enough about me! I’d like to offer a toast to the bride and groom. Then whip a piece of toast out of your breast pocket, hold it in their direction, and say you want them to have this. I did it as best man at a large wedding and it killed.” I saw a groom’s brother say, “I always knew you would find the best wife” in front of three other sisters. Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park. I was at a wedding once where the best man inhaled most of the contents of a helium balloon, possibly one of the true great speeches of all time. For my brother’s wedding, I pulled out a piece of paper and started: “I have known this man since we were college roommates eight years ag-Oh sh*t! I brought the wrong suit we’re going to have to wing it.” All those among you who know the Bride will know that she is a wonderful and caring person. She deserves a good husband. Thank God he married her before she found one. They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. So let’s all raise our glasses and take a last look at the Groom. We’re gonna miss you, buddy! My wedding speech started with: ‘I’m 33 and I’ve no kids, no steady girlfriend and like being single, what do I know about marriage?’ The Groom was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the Bride and Groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming… All of us gathered together in this room, we’ve got something really important in common – none of us have got a clue what I’m going to say next! I have to say, I was a little worried when the groom asked me to be his best man. I mean, this is a guy who once tried to microwave a frozen pizza while it was still in the box. But then he met the bride, and she’s been keeping him out of trouble ever since. My maid of honor opened hers with ‘For those of you who don’t know who I am… how dare you?’ To the owner of a blue Honda, license plate 4YG 87X, your car is being towed. Replace make, model, plate with the actual car of someone in the wedding party. I’m not used to public speaking. I only found out today that a toastmaster isn’t actually a kitchen appliance. Say a bunch of really good compliments about a guy. Then say “enough about the best man, let’s talk about the groom.” I recently gave a toast at a scottish wedding, groom and groomsmen were all wearing kilts. I started my toast by saying how lovely the bride looked, and how gorgeous she looked in her dress… I followed it up by saying how the groom doesn’t look half bad in his dress either. Got a good amount of laughs. The groom stole the bride’s heart, so the bride stole the groom’s last name. All in all, I would say that things worked out quite nicely, considering neither of them ended up in prison… I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech. Twenty years ago, the Groom was told by a doctor that he would never dance normally again. When the band starts, you’ll see exactly what that specialist was talking about. I’d like to start by congratulating the happy couple on their excellent taste… in speakers.

Funny Best Man Speech Jokes

Lighten the mood and captivate the crowd with our handpicked funny best man speech jokes. These jokes are like secret ingredients for a speech that everyone will remember.

Now I know what you’re all thinking, doesn’t the best man look great in his suit! I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime which includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional – I’ve just been collapsing a lot from all the nerves and stress. I’ve known the groom for years, and I’ve got to say, he’s the luckiest guy in the room today. And that’s not just because he’s getting married, but because he’s got me as his best man. I mean, have you seen the other guys he hangs out with? My name is Joe and I am an alcoholic. What? Am I in the wrong place? Hi everyone, I’m the best man – although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends. Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the Groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill. For the speech today, the Bride and Groom have asked that I don’t talk about the Groom’s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-girlfriends. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s all from me! I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m… I have been the groom’s mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day. I guess you’re all wondering why I gathered you here today… If I could just say a few words… I’d be a better public speaker! I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo as I’m reading through, I’ll whip it out immediately. If you could keep the clapping and cheering to a minimum today – I’ve got a terrible hangover. I know you shouldn’t drink heavily before a big event but I couldn’t let the Groom drink alone, could I? I did ask for a microphone but was told there weren’t any available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence at the front should assure you that you’re not missing out on anything. The Groom and I share a common sense of humour. So if this is not funny, feel free to blame him. I spoke to some of the groom’s colleagues and they told me he’s something of a God at work. He’s rarely seen, holier than thou, and if he does any work it’s a bloody miracle! I’d now like to focus on the groom for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention. As the best man, it’s my job to talk about the groom’s qualities that make him a great partner. Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of any, so I just Googled ‘good qualities in a husband’ and read him the top ten list. When it came time for the Best Man speech, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and began reading about what a wonderful husband the Groom was going to be, how he was loyal, handsome, kind, how he was loved by everyone, etc… Then, the Best Man squinted at the paper, stumbled over the words, then turned to the Groom, handed him the paper and announced, “I can’t read your handwriting!” We are gathered here today to remember and celebrate the life of {The Groom} and while we mourn that he was taken from us all too soon… Wait a minute… that’s for next week… gimme a minute to find today’s speech… I didn’t really want to do this, but I thought it might be the only chance I’ll get to have a meal and some drinks paid for by the Groom. Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see (Groom’s name) drinking alone. Hello! I’m the groom’s best man. He told me if I do a good job today I can be the best man at his next wedding too. The best line I’ve heard in a best man speech: “Life is like a maze, full of twists and turns, ghosts chasing after you…”

Hilarious Best Man Speech Jokes

Ready to crack up the crowd? Our hilarious best man speech jokes will have everyone in stitches. Get ready for a speech that’s pure fun!

Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today. Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. The bride has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And the groom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the bachelor party. I spoke to both (groom and bride) before the Wedding and I asked (groom) what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked (bride) the same question – she replied – A coffee perculator! When I was younger, my brother (the Groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is. Get serious and do the first couple sentences of the president’s speech from Independence Day. I had 6 feet of (pretend) notes rolled up and folded in my pocket. When I started the speech at my wedding, I told everyone I just wanted to say a few short words and then let the notes roll down to the floor. I never thought I’d meet someone who cares about what other people thought as much as my sister… until I met my husband. Wait for laughs. This is from an intentionally bad MoH speech by Rachel McAdam’s character in Wedding Crashers I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial. Instead, I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight. I have one final piece of advice for you two lovebirds: never stop laughing, even when the jokes are lame. As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie. It’s time for me to do this speech I hurriedly scribbled down about an hour ago! I always knew the Groom’s speech would be hard to follow. In fact, I couldn’t understand a word of it. What a pleasure it is to be Best Man at this wedding. The Groom made me compete for this honour today, but I was able to beat the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am! I think we can all agree that it’s been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech. I’d like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I’m single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa. Guys, before I start, just some housekeeping notes, the venue has asked that you don’t stand on any of the chairs and tables for my standing ovation. A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes into it. Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today. There was one time when (groom) was asked, ‘What is (bride)’s favourite flower?’ To which he had no hesitation in replying, ‘Self Raising!’ ‘What makes a good wife?’ ‘One who helps her husband with the washing up!’ And, ‘What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep?’ ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway.’ At my twin brother’s wedding I opened with: “When I first met the Groom I didn’t really like him. He was always crowding my space and stealing my nutrients, but after we busted out of that uteran prison we were perpetual partners in crime… I was the MC at my sister’s wedding. At the time I was wearing my hair in a mohawk but most of the guests were pretty conservative. I had just re-shaved the sides of the hawk on the morning of the wedding so it looked brand new. I started my speech by telling the large crowd of guests (about 500 people) that they were giving out free haircuts in an alley behind the building. I got some good laughs. A little bit of self depreciating humor definitely helped get the laughter I needed to ease my worries about doing a good job for my sister and her new husband. You’ve all been the victim of an elaborate prank. Firstly, I’d just like to say how nervous I am to be making this speech. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve stood up from a warm seat with warm pieces of paper in my hand today. I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best man’s speech. I just went for 35 minutes – so settle in… Leading up to today (the groom and bride) were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here and who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use a wedding present list, the biggest presents at the front and work it back from there.

Short Best Man Speech Jokes

Quick laughs, big impact! Our collection of short best man speech jokes will make your speech memorable without dragging on.

We’ve reached the moment in the evening where we get to watch the groom figet and worry in anticipation. Yes, everyone, I’ve been asked by the staff to give him the bill. I just heard there was a lucrative pool on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 40 minutes, so settle in… My name is Peter and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but shut up – I know your secrets. My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it’s only hard for the first minute.   I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple! Sally is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Harry swooped in before she could find one. I think the main reason we’ve lasted as friends all these years is because you’re geographically convenient…and you had a trampoline. Jack is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because you forgot about it until late last night at the bar! Jack was in a pub when he proposed. No, really, it was actually very romantic – he got up on one knee. It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet. So I’m the best man, although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends. I can only say in my defense that Mike and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.” I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it. John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes. Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately … Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much. I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out. I do have to say though how lucky you are Dave, you’re leaving with a beautiful wife whom you love. And you, Miranda, you get to go home with such a nice new dress and beautiful bouquet of flowers, it’s great. Jill, you are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise you I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here. Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Linda, I expect you had a similar experience when Paul asked you to be his wife. Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!” When I saw Linda heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.” Before proposing, Paul went to ask Linda’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing Paul took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet! I recognize my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out. If you can’t hear me in the back, let the silence in the front assure you that you’re not really missing out on anything. A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice. I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Jack and Jill’s wedding. Jack made me compete for this honor today, but I was able to beat Mark the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am! When I sat down to write this speech I Googled “perfect best man speech”, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m gonna wing it. I admit, I’m extremely nervous right now. As the people sitting near to me at the table can testify, it really is possible to smell fear.” I must admit, I’m not used to speaking in public. Until now I thought a toastmaster was a kitchen appliance. You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles. It’s a great honor but you don’t really want to do it!

Best Man Speech Jokes One Liners

Nail the punchlines with our one-liners. These short and clever jokes are perfect for a speech that packs a punch without going on and on.

An unmarried man is incomplete, a married man is… finished. No, that came out wrong. Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Sarah has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And Tom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend in Liverpool. Sarah deserves a wonderful successful loving husband. Thank goodness Tom married her before she found one. The marriage ceremony, asks that couples take each other for better or for worse. Tom, in marrying Sarah you really couldn’t have done any better. Sarah in marrying Tom… it could be worse. When Tom met Sarah it was love at first sight. Pure and Simple. Sarah was pure and Tom was simple. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Marrying Tom is like winning the lottery but never having any money for the rest of your life. Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes. I love marriage. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Marriage after kids is basically a ‘who’s more tired? competition. Marriage is easy. It’s basically just deciding what to watch on Netflix. Marriage is basically peeing with the door open and not caring. Marriage is essentially being able to watch another person eat chicken wings without feeling sick. Marriage is spending the rest of your life trying to get out of debt with someone. During your speech, ask the Groom to put his hand over the Bride’s; then joke that it’s the last time the Groom will have the ‘upper hand’. When the guest are applauding as you stand up just gesture for them to quieten down and say, ‘What a reception!’ Stand up. Remove a peach from your pocket and hold it up for everyone to see. Say ‘I’m sorry, there’s been a misunderstanding on my part. I have nothing else prepared.’ Sit back down. I am actually a little nervous doing this, luckily I already tested it in front of a tough crowd, down the local old-folks home, and I think it went down quite well. They all pissed themselves anyway. Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Tom and Sarah that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately. Tom is a great guy and he will no doubt be a great husband. Any girl is safe with him. He never lets his hands wander, they’re far too busy holding on to his money.

Clean Best Man Speech Jokes

Keep it classy with our clean best man speech jokes. Add humor without making anyone uncomfortable. Your speech will be a hit without crossing any lines.

If there’s anybody here today who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [NAME OF THE GROOM]. Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar. It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it, but know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologise for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple vodka I’m going to down as soon as this is over. Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand. I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about Matt. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about Arthur! For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Sam and for those of those who do know me…I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Sam-would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I? Now, before I start, the venue manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation. I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And, as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear. Once you’ve opened the best man’s speech and given the guests an idea of the tone and also helped them relax, knowing that you’re not about to deliver a complete car crash of a speech, it’s time to get personal. Remember, the best man’s speech is mostly intended as an ode to the groom and your friendship and to give the guests an idea of what the main man at the wedding is really like behind closed doors! You can also include some jokes about the bride (or another groom at a same-sex wedding), although keep these minimal as the father of the bride will have spent a large part of his speech talking about his daughter. As well as these tried-and-tested quips, try to include a few jokes that are specific and personal to your friend, to ensure the groom and his guests feel like you do actually know and love him! So where do I start about Ben? Well, for starters he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charm…sorry… Ben, I’m having trouble reading you handwriting. You can tell me the rest later. The bride and groom have asked that I don’t talk about Mike’s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-girlfriends. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s it from me! Helen please put your left hand flat on the table. Paul please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment Paul because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand. We all know the bride is a wonderful lady who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve. Well, I do hope that Meghan and Harry enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked Harry what he was doing after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight. I’ve been instructed by the bride and groom to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately. Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff online. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until I told him the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions! When I saw Kate heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.” Before proposing, William went to ask Kate’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing William took the hand that had spent 25 years fishing into his wallet. I’ve been asked by many how I’m going to cope with my best friend being married and spending all of his time loved up at home. I’m thrilled! I’ll finally be able to talk to women without him cramping my style.

Dirty Best Man Speech Jokes

Add a bit of spice! Our dirty jokes are just the thing to make your best man speech memorable. Keep it fun without going too far.

If there’s anybody here today who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married. Everyone here who knows Sophie will know that she is a wonderful and kind person, who deserves a good husband. Thank god Theo married her before she found one. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the Groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right, I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill. It’s been an emotional day, even the pussy is in tiers. I just heard there was a competitive sweepstake on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 45 minutes, so settle in… My name is James and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but you’d do well to keep quiet – I know your secrets. I’d like to congratulate the Groom on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right – I could hardly follow a word of it. I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything. I’ve been told I can’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast in this speech. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with the Groom, he has at long last admitted that I am in fact the best man. Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

Best Man Speech Jokes for Friends

Make your friends laugh with jokes tailored just for them. Celebrate your friendship with humor that brings back shared memories and inside jokes.

If there’s anyone here feeling nervous, apprehensive, and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, I’m right there with you! I’m not a professional stand-up comedian, but I’m a natural public speaker when it comes to talking about my best friend. I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately, last night I slept like a baby – waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-ager of this speech. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-icurist for this groom’s facial hair. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-servant for this groom’s needs. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-nequin for this groom’s style. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s brain. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s sense of humor. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own name. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own wedding date. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own phone number. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own social security number. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own password. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own email address. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own street address. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own shoe size. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own height. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own weight.

Best Man Speech Jokes about the Groom

Bring a smile to everyone’s face by poking fun at the groom. Share funny stories and good-natured jokes that showcase your bond with the man of the hour.

I’ve known the groom for many years, and I have to say, he’s always been a bit of a wild card. But now that he’s settling down, I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief. The groom is a great guy, but let’s be real, he’s not exactly the most organized person in the world. In fact, I’m pretty sure his dresser drawers still look like a black hole. I was surprised when the groom asked me to be his best man. I mean, we’ve had our differences over the years, but I guess he figured I owed him one after all the times he bailed me out of trouble. The groom has always been a bit of a ladies’ man, but I’m happy to see that he’s finally found someone who can keep up with him. Or should I say, someone who can tolerate him? I remember when the groom first told me he was getting married, my reaction was ‘Who’s the poor girl?’ But then I met the bride and realized she’s actually a saint. The groom is a bit of a thrill-seeker, so I’m surprised he didn’t try to pull off some crazy stunt during the ceremony. Like skydiving into the church or something. I’ve heard marriage described as a journey, and if that’s true, the groom is definitely the driver. And we all know how dangerous it is to ride shotgun with him. The groom is a master of the art of procrastination. I’m pretty sure he wrote his vows five minutes before the ceremony started. I’ve known the groom since we were kids, and back then, he was always getting into trouble. So, it’s nice to see that some things never change. The groom is a bit of a hopeless romantic, which is why he’s always been drawn to girls who are way out of his league. Luckily, he finally found one who’s perfect for him – even if she does have to put up with his crap. I’m not saying the groom is lazy, but I’m pretty sure he’d rather play video games than do just about anything else. Including his job. The groom has always been a bit of a risk-taker, which is why he’s had more near-death experiences than anyone I know. But somehow, he always manages to come out unscathed. I’ve seen the groom cry exactly twice in my life: once when his favorite team lost the championship game, and again when he saw the bride walk down the aisle today. The groom is a bit of a goofball, which is why he always makes us laugh. Even when he’s not trying to be funny, he usually ends up being the life of the party. I’ve known the groom long enough to know that he’s always been a bit of a rebel. So, it’s no surprise that he’s marrying such an amazing woman who’s not afraid to break the rules. The groom is a bit of a perfectionist, which is why he’s always been a bit of a pain to deal with. But somehow, he managed to find a bride who’s even more particular than he is. I’m not saying the groom is cheap, but I’m pretty sure he’d rather eat ramen noodles every night than spend money on fancy dinners. The groom is a bit of a control freak, which is why he’s always been a bit of a difficult friend to have. But somehow, he’s managed to find a bride who’s willing to put up with his crap. I’ve seen the groom get angry maybe twice in my life. Once when someone took the last slice of pizza at a party, and again when the bride tried to steal the spotlight during their engagement photoshoot. The groom is a bit of a dreamer, which is why he’s always chasing after impossible goals. But somehow, he always manages to make them happen.

Best Man Speech Jokes about the Bride

Spread the love with jokes about the bride. Keep it sweet and affectionate to make her feel special and cherished on the big day.

I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s favorite color. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s favorite food. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s favorite movie. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s favorite book. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s favorite song. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s favorite TV show. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s favorite hobby. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s favorite sports team. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first date with him. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first kiss with him. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first argument with him. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first fight with him. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first breakup with him. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first proposal from him. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first wedding dress. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first wedding ring. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first wedding vows. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first wedding dance. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first wedding night. I’m not just the best man, I’m also the best man-neurologist for this groom’s ability to remember his own bride’s first wedding anniversary. I’ve known the bride for a few years now, and I have to say, she’s always been a mystery to me. But now that she’s marrying my buddy here, I realize she’s not so mysterious after all – she’s just a sucker for a good love story. The bride is a bit of a perfectionist, which is why she’s always been a bit of a nightmare to plan events with. But I have to admit, she’s pulled off the perfect wedding day so far. I was a little worried when the bride said she wanted to incorporate her beloved cat into the wedding ceremony. But I have to say, that cat gave a hell of a reading. The bride is a bit of a fashionista, which is why she’s been planning her wedding day outfit for months. But honestly, I think she looks beautiful no matter what she’s wearing. I’ve heard that marriage is all about compromise, so I have a suggestion for the bride and groom: whenever they disagree, they should just flip a coin. Heads, he wins. Tails, she wins. And vice versa. The bride is a bit of a foodie, which is why she insisted on having a seven-course meal at the reception. But honestly, I think we could have gotten away with just serving pizza and beer. I’ve known the bride since we were kids, and I have to say, she’s always been a bit of a wild child. But I’m glad to see she’s finally found someone who can tame her. The bride is a bit of a romantic, which is why she’s always been a sucker for cheesy love songs. But I have to admit, I teared up a bit during their first dance. I was a little skeptical when the bride said she wanted to have a unity sand ceremony instead of a unity candle. But honestly, it was really touching – especially when the sand got everywhere and we had to sweep it up afterwards. The bride is a bit of a bookworm, which is why she’s always got her nose buried in a novel. But I have to say, I think she’s found her match in the groom – he’s always got his nose buried in his phone. I’ve seen the bride stress out over tiny details before, but this time around, she’s been surprisingly calm. Either she’s found inner peace, or she’s just resigned herself to the fact that nothing will ever be perfect. The bride is a bit of a movie buff, which is why she’s always quoting lines from her favorite films. But honestly, I think she’s found her own happily ever after right here. I’ve known the bride since college, and I have to say, she’s always been a bit of a party animal. But I’m glad to see she’s finally found someone who can keep up with her – or at least, try to. The bride is a bit of a neat freak, which is why she’s always tidying up after everyone else. But honestly, I think she’s found her soulmate in the groom – he’s always making messes for her to clean up. I’ve seen the bride get emotional before, but this time around, she’s been remarkably composed. Either she’s been taking meditation classes, or she’s just excited to finally get hitched. The bride is a bit of a history buff, which is why she’s always dragging us to museums and historical landmarks. But honestly, I think she’s found her own piece of history right here. I’ve known the bride since high school, and I have to say, she’s always been a bit of a drama queen. But I have to admit, she’s put on the best show I’ve ever seen today. The bride is a bit of a travel enthusiast, which is why she’s always planning her next adventure. But honestly, I think she’s found her home right here – at least, until they decide to move to Timbuktu.

Final Thoughts

To wrap it up, nailing a fantastic best man speech is like a secret mission, and the right jokes are your superpower.

We have provided the best man speech jokes as a toolkit to keep everyone laughing.

Whether you prefer quick zingers or heartwarming tales, these jokes for the best man speech are gold.

Tell us your favorites or share any hidden gems we might’ve missed – drop a comment below and keep the good vibes rolling!

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20 Genuinely Funny Jokes For The Best Man Speech

• June 15, 2020
• Budget & Planning

No pressure, but the best man speech can really set the tone for the evening.

The best man – along with the other speech makers – is tasked with setting the mood for the night ahead, making sure to give the wedding guests a good laugh. He’ll need to strike the balance between funny and a little cheeky (remember the listening ears of older relatives!) and he may also like to throw in a little sentiment – it is a wedding after all.

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If you’re looking for a little bit of inspiration for your best man speech, then we’ve got in spades, from funny one liners to quips that’ll leave the guests in stitches.

Whether you’re a skilled public speaker, a natural comedian or a total novice, littering your best man’s speech with a few of these jokes will really pack a punch.

Opening jokes

The key to a killer best man speech is to kick it off with a great opening line!

“Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan.”

“It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers!”

“[GROOM’S NAME] was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming¦”

“Leading up to today [GROOM’S NAME] and [BRIDE’S NAME] were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use the wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of [GROOM’S NAME] and [BRIDE’S NAME] thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.”

“Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

Jokes about the groom

A best man speech is an opportunity to give the groom a bit of a roasting!

“On their first date, [GROOM’S NAME] thought he’d make an impression, and promised a seven course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!”

“I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So raise your glasses to the happy couple!”

“Just some last messages here to read out: one from the Groom’s football team to [BRIDE’S NAME] – ‘apologies we couldn’t all be here today, good luck with [GROOM’S NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.”

“As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.”

“Twenty years ago, the Groom was told by a doctor that he would never dance normally again. When the band starts, you’ll see exactly what that specialist was talking about.”

“[BRIDE’S NAME] please put your left hand flat on the table. [GROOM’S NAME] please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment [GROOM’S NAME] because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.”

“You are both so lucky. [GROOM], you get to leave with this amazing woman. And [BRIDE], you get to leave with that beautiful dress and wedding bouquet.”

Jokes about the bride

Aim for a gentle ribbing when it comes to the bride – don’t take the jokes too far!

“Isn’t it funny how history has a habit of repeating itself? Twenty-nine years ago [BRIDE’S NAME]’s parents were sending her off to bed with a dummy. And tonight they’re doing exactly the same thing again!”

“When I saw [BRIDE’S NAME] heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

“Everyone who knows the bride knows she’s a wonderful person. She deserves the best husband out there. Thank god [GROOM’S NAME] married her before she found one.”

“Before proposing, [GROOM’S NAME] went to ask [BRIDE’S NAME]’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing he took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!”

Jokes about the best man

When it comes to the best man speech, guests will love a little self-deprecating humour

“A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.”

“I recognise my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.”

“Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. [BRIDE’S NAME], I expect you had a similar experience when [GROOM’S NAME] asked you to be his wife.”

“The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”

What else goes into the perfect best man speech?

Okay, so you’ve the gags sussed. What else do you need to include in a best man speech?

– Thank the other speakers who have gone before you – Congratulate the newlyweds – Remember to say a few kind words about the bride – Don’t forget to compliment the bridesmaids – Read out messages from guests who couldn’t attend – Propose a toast!

Check out our guide here for even more advice on perfecting the best man speech.

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